Those who have experienced a deeply satisfying relationship with a horse know the intense pain that comes from having to bid them goodbye. If you are working through a loss, treat yourself kindly and find others who can do the same. If you know of someone who is grieving a horse, reach out, even in small ways, to let them know you are available to listen.
Understanding grief
The bond between humans and horses has inspired myth, philosophy and magic across cultures for centuries. Surprisingly, little attention has been paid to the human experience of losing a horse. Losing a horse is a distinctly different experience than losing any other relationship, human or otherwise.
Many months spent caring for an ailing horse can be both labor- and cash-intensive, and it can be a struggle to meet the horse's every need. It can be exhausting and heartwrenching to watch a beloved companion become ill and die. The death of a horse may leave you feeling empty, rudderless and drifting without the routine and commitment of a usually long-term relationship.
A better understanding of grief can help if you are stumbling through the loss of a beloved horse.
Grief is highly individual
Professional counselors use many models to make sense of the grieving process, which can be helpful. Know that grief is highly individual, variable, and illogical. No two people will grieve a loss exactly alike and often grief defies explanation and expectation. Knowing this can be oddly comforting. You are grieving as you need to, and somehow, someway, you will find a way through to the other side.
Grief is a whole-body experience
Grief affects our whole body and often shows itself on physical, emotional, cognitive, and spiritual levels. People who are grieving often have tired, uncooperative bodies; broken hearts; and brains that change between numbness, confusion, and too much time spent on “what ifs.” Learning to sit with the many faces of grief is key to working through a loss.
Grief is misunderstood
We fear and avoid death because it is simply too big to wrap our brains around. Many people may offer well-meaning, but ill-timed or off-putting advice to those who have lost a horse. If this happens to you, thank them kindly for their thoughts. Then, find support from others who resist the urge to offer a quick fix. Horses are not appliances that we replace. They are loved ones that we should mourn and honor.
Grief can be isolating
Many bereaved people feel alone in their grief. It is common to feel isolated by the indifference of people who may not understand. Connect with people who will listen to you without judgment. You may find them within the horse community, your family, or a more formal route such as a grief counselor. You will find power in sharing your story with others who can understand your experience.
Grief does not have a timetable
People may expect you to finish grieving in a matter of weeks or months. But there is no timetable for grief. People who are lucky enough to enjoy the trust of a horse have invested a lot of time and energy into building that relationship. As such, they must also spend time and energy adjusting after the loss of a horse. Do not expect yourself to get over the loss. Loss is not something you get over, but something you must adapt to.
Grief feels rotten
Grief often hits us surprisingly hard. Even people who have survived many experiences with death, describe the loss of a certain animal as more distressing. You may find that you have lost the capacity for finding comfort. Your usual calming, self-soothing activities may not work. When all else fails, go back to the basics. Stay hydrated and nourished, rest as needed, and exercise. Support your body so your body can support your grief.
Grief is transformative
Sometimes one of the most healing things we can do is to honor grief as the teacher it is. By entering into relationships with horses, we open ourselves up to partnership, challenge, and transformation. When we lose our horses, reflecting on their gifts can enable us to live their legacies. It is not just in loving them, but in losing them, that we receive the opportunity to become better people.
Helping kids cope
Guiding children through the death of a horse can be daunting. Many parents may struggle with decisions about how or how much to talk about the death of a loved one with their kids. But not talking about it can make the grieving process harder for kids and adults, especially when the death of a horse is a child’s first experience with loss.
Talk in simple and honest terms
Children of all ages need simple, honest information about the loss of a horse and what death looks like. Use concrete words to describe what happens to the body during the process and avoid the use of jargon or “soft” terms. For instance, younger children may need to know that a body stops working when it dies. You could tell them that bodies can no longer hear, feel, see or taste. Older children may need to know what condition led the body to stop working and why veterinarians could not fix that condition.
You should also discuss euthanasia in simple terms. Avoid using euphemisms like “having Rocket put down” or “putting Sunny to sleep,” which can leave kids confused or even scared about what it means to sleep or rest. Instead, you could explain euthanasia as something veterinarians do just for horses who need help to die peacefully and without pain.
Answer their questions
Offer to answer any questions your child may have, even the silly and hard ones. These questions may pop up any time before or after the death of a loved horse. Be as open as possible about the details your child needs to know. Those details may help them to make sense of what happened. There are many books geared towards answering kids’ nitty-gritty questions about death such as “What is cremation?” or “What happens after a body is buried?”
Give them choices about how they want to be involved
While adults must bear the responsibility of making euthanasia decisions, children can still play a role in saying goodbye. If your family is preparing for the death of a horse, either through euthanasia or a “natural” death, explain what that death may look like. Also, ask your child how they want the goodbye to look and feel. You can give your children choices about whether they want to visit with the animal after death and how they want to be involved in the burial or memorial rituals. A memento of the horse that can be held close such as mane hair or a piece of tack is often helpful during the first stages of grief.
Listen without judgment
There is no correct way to grieve, and children may respond to loss in many ways including tearfulness, nervousness, sleep disturbance, and impaired concentration at school. It is common for siblings within the same family to grieve the loss of a horse very differently. Invite each child to talk about the death of their horse and make sure they know their feelings are normal. Their horse was important to them, and it is okay to feel any number of ways when that horse is gone.
Support their grief
Some children, especially those with less developed verbal skills, benefit from having nonverbal ways to process grief. Creating a scrapbook, drawing pictures, taking clippings of fur or mane hair, or making imprints of hooves can give children an outlet for both their creativity and feelings.
Let other caregivers know about the loss
Teachers, childcare staff, and other friends can be key sources of support for grieving children.
Make space for remembering
Encourage children to share favorite stories about their horse and to remember the happiest times with that horse. Those memories are part of the natural healing process and can provide great comfort for months and even years after a horse’s death.
Balance the grief with laughter and joy
It is healthy to give ourselves a break from the deep sadness that comes from the death of a loved animal. Taking a break from grief to do something fun may help ease the grieving process. Laughter is a wonderful healing method. Make sure your child knows that being able to laugh and have fun does not mean they love their horse any less.
Embrace routine
Losing a horse often disrupts a child’s sense of safety and security. At such a hard time, they may find comfort in knowing what to expect from each day. If your family has an established routine around mealtimes, bedtimes, chores, religious worship, or recreation, you should maintain those routines. It may even be helpful to integrate a ritual of remembrance into the daily routine. For instance, a family that spent part of every evening exercising or grooming their horse may choose to light a candle every evening in that horse’s memory.
Reviewed in 2022