Divorce and family transitions

• Always My Dad by Sharon Wyeth
  • Though Dad moves around a lot and his jobs keep changing, a young girl and her brother hold fast to memories of his magical, unexpected visits in this portrait of an African American family held together by a special bond of love. 
• Amelia’s Family Ties by Marissa Moss
  • Amelia finally gets a chance to fly to Chicago to meet her father, as well as her new stepmother and baby half-brother on a trip she will never forget.
• Bird Lake Moon by Kevin Henkes
  • Mitch feels isolated at his grandparents’ house and can’t help hating his father, who walked out on him and his mom two and a half weeks earlier. Spencer’s family has decided it’s finally time to return to Bird Lake, years after his brother, Matty, drowned there. Both boys arrive at the lake scarred and fragile, but as they become friends, the sharp edges of their lives smooth out and, slowly, they can start healing.
• Charlie Anderson by Barbara Abercrombie
  • Charlie, a fuzzy gray cat, walked out of the woods one evening and into Elizabeth's and Sarah's hearts. Now he sleeps on their beds, lets them dress him up in doll clothes, and laps up warm milk on chilly nights. But where does Charlie go during the day? It's not until a storm keeps Charlie away one night that the two sisters discover his other, daytime, home. But maybe that's not such a bad thing. Because, just like Elizabeth and Sarah, Charlie has two houses, two beds, and two families who love him very, very much! 
• Emily's Blue Period by Cathleen Daly
  • Emily wants to be an artist. She likes painting and loves the way artists like Pablo Picasso mixed things up. Emily's life is a little mixed up right now. Her dad doesn't live at home anymore, and it feels like everything around her is changing. "When Picasso was sad for a while," says Emily, "he only painted in blue. And now I am in my blue period." It might last quite some time. 
• Healing After Divorce: 100 Practical Ideas for Kids by Alan D. Wolfelt and Raelynn Maloney
  • Focusing on the natural grief children endure when their parents divorce, this guide helps kids process the common feelings of shock, sadness, anger, guilt, and relief while highlighting their most vital need—love and support. The handbook helps children name and understand these strange new emotions and affirms that their thoughts and feelings are natural while teaching them the value of constructively expressing them. 
• Lou Caribou: Weekdays with Mom, Weekends with Dad by Marie-Sabine Roger and Nathalie Choux
  • A little reindeer named Lou Caribou lives with his mom at one end of a green forest. Every weekend, Lou visits his dad who lives on the other end of that forest. To prepare for the trip, Lou has to pack his suitcase with everything he needs for his stay--things like his toothbrush, his stuffed animal, and his favorite sweater. Lou's mother brings him to the bus and in no time he is with his father. Together, they ride their bikes to a pool or go canoeing on a lake. On Sunday evening, Lou is back home with his mom. This book shows that parents who live apart still lovingly care for their child, and that their separation has not diminished their love for him. 

• Amber Brown Goes Fourth by Paula Danziger
  • Amber Brown isn't entirely ready for fourth grade. She has her pens, pencils, new clothes, and new shoes.
    But the one thing she doesn't have is her best friend, Justin Daniels. Justin has moved away, leaving Amber
    utterly best friend-less. Amber knows Justin can't be replaced, but she is on the lookout for a new friend.
    Brandi seems a likely choice, but does Brandi want to choose Amber in return? Will Amber Brown go fourth,
    and go forth, with a new best friend?
• Amber Brown Sees Red by Paula Danziger
  • Amber has a lot on her mind. Her mom is engaged. Her father is moving back to the United States. Her
    parents fight every time they talk on the phone - and Amber is caught in the middle. It's enough to make
    Amber Brown see red!
• Bigger than a Bread Box by Laurel Snyder
  • A magical breadbox that delivers whatever you wish for - as long as it fits inside? It's too good to be true!
    Twelve-year-old Rebecca is struggling with her parents' separation, as well as a sudden move to her gran's
    house in another state. For a while, the magic bread box, discovered in the attic, makes life away from home
    a little easier. Then suddenly it starts to make things much, much more difficult, and Rebecca is forced to
    decide not just where, but who she really wants to be.
• Blended by Sharon Draper
  • Eleven-year-old Isabella’s blended family is more divided than ever in this story about divorce and racial
    identity.
• Blue Sky, Butterfly by Jean van Leeuwen
  • When her father leaves, Twig feels isolated from her older brother and her mother as they all try to cope
    with the change in their lives.
• But...What About Me? (How It Feels to Be A Kid in Divorce)
  • Provides a child's point of view on divorce, separation, and associated conflicts.
• Chevrolet Saturdays by Candy Dawson-Boyd
  • Just when he feels comfortable with Mr. Johnson as his new stepfather, ten-year-old Joey Davis ruins
    everything when he carelessly leaves the gate open, and Mr. Johnson's dog runs away.
• Divorce Is Not the End of the World: Zoe’s and Evan’s Coping Guide for Kids by Zoe Stern and Evan Stern
  • Zoe and Evan Stern know firsthand how it feels when your parents divorce. When their parents split, they
    knew their lives would change but they didn't know how. A few years later, when they were 15 and 13 years
    old, they decided to share their experience in this positive and practical guide for kids.
• Ginny Morris and Mom's House, Dad's House by Mary Gallagher and Whitney Martin
  • Two years after her parents' divorce, almost-nine-year-old Ginny Morris is still frustrated by trying to keep
    track of clothing and homework as she moves from one house to another each Sunday but is learning to tell
    her parents when things bother her. Simultaneous.
• It's Not the End of the World by Judy Blume
  • Karen couldn’t tell Mrs. Singer why she had to take her Viking diorama out of the sixth-grade showcase. She
    felt like yelling, “To keep my parents from getting divorced!” But she couldn’t say it, and the whole class was
    looking at her anyway. Karen’s world was ending. Her father had moved out of the house weeks before; now
    he was going to Las Vegas to get divorced, and her mother was pleased! She had only a few days to get the
    two of them together in the same room. Maybe, if she could, they would just forget about the divorce. Then
    the Newman family could be its old self again—maybe. But Karen knew something she didn’t know last
    winter: that sometimes people who shouldn’t be apart are impossible together.
• Love Like Sky by Leslie C. Youngblood
  • In the face of a loved one’s illness, Georgie struggles with blended family growing pains and the ups and
    downs of friendship.
• My Parents Are Divorced, My Elbows Have Nicknames, and Other Facts About Me by Bill Cochran
  • Ted's parents are divorced, but that's just one fact about him. The fact that he has named his elbows Clyde
    and Carl? Or that Ted walks around with soap in his hair and likes to squawk like a chicken on the phone?
    Now, that's definitely weird. As shown in this lighthearted yet heartfelt account, life with divorced parents
    isn't always easy, but above all Ted knows he's loved - and there's nothing weird about that at all.
• My Parents Are Divorced, too  by Melanie, Annie, Steven Ford and Jann Blackstone-Ford
  • Three stepsiblings in a blended family discuss their experiences and those of friends with divorce and
    remarriage.
• My Parents Are Getting Divorced: How to Keep It Together When Your Mom and Dad Are Splitting Up by
  Florence Cadier and Melissa Daly
  • Explains the feelings and questions shared by young adults whose parents are getting divorced, the changes
    that could occur, and how to deal with them.
• My Parents' Divorce (How Do I Feel About) by Julia Cole
  • Discusses why divorce happens, how to cope with it, and how to deal with difficult feelings as well as friends
    whose parents are divorced.
• My Parents Still Love Me Even Though They're Getting Divorced by Lois Nightingale
  • An interactive workbook designed to help kids deal with separation and divorce. It presents a kid-friendly
    frame story in which a beautiful mermaid and a strong knight fall in love and have four children: Constance,
    Arletta, Newton, and Spartacus. The book offers a series of scenarios involving each child as they experience
    their parents’ split, and this narrative device allows the author to effectively explore different reactions,
    including withdrawal, moodiness, anger, and resentment.
• Strider by Beverly Cleary
  • Can a stray dog change the life of a teenage boy? It looks as if Strider can. He's a dog that loves to run;
    because of Strider, Leigh Botts finds himself running—well enough to join the school track team. Strider
    changes Leigh on the inside, too, as he finally begins to accept his parents' divorce and gets to know a
    redheaded girl he's been admiring. With Strider's help, Leigh finds that the future he once hated to be asked
    about now holds something he never expected: hope.
• The Squeaky Wheel by Robert Kimmel Smith
  • When a new friend tells him that "the squeaky wheel gets the grease," Mark Baker realizes that unless he
    finds the courage to confront his life, things will probably get worse. Mark's world has been turned upside
    down by the split between his parents. He's been forced to leave his old neighborhood and his old friends.
    Now he's living with his mother in a new apartment in a new town. Mark still longs to be back in his old
    school, once again to ride his bike, to go on living in the house where he grew up. But it's the loss of his
    father that worries Mark most of all. The man he depended on seeing every day is disappearing from his life.
• The Trouble with Thirteen by Betty Miles
  • Twelve-year-old Annie is unwilling to face some major changes in her life.
• Things That Surprise You by Jennifer Maschari
  • A bighearted, poignant novel about the often-shifting bonds of family and friendship.
• Two Naomis by Olugbemisola Rhuday-Perkovich and Audrey Vernick; Balzer + Bray
  • When Naomi Marie's mom and Naomi Edith's dad get serious about dating, each girl tries to cling to the life
    she knows and loves. Then their parents push them into attending a class together, where they might just
    have to find a way to work with each other—and maybe even join forces to find new ways to define family.
• What Children Need to Know When Parents Get Divorced by William Coleman
  • Because it is often hard for children to express feelings, fears, and questions, it is easy to assume they are
    adjusting and coping with their parents' divorce - when instead they may feel guilty that they are somehow
    to blame for the break-up.
• What Do We Think About: Family Break-Up? by Jillian Powell
  • A straightforward approach to family break-up for young children. This book looks at why some families
    break up, some of the changes that can happen when they do, and how to get used to a new kind of family.
• When My Parents Forgot How to Be Friends by Jennifer Moore-Mallions
  • Young children become confused and hurt when their parents constantly argue, then decide to divorce. This
    sensitively written book assures boys and girls that children are in no way responsible for their parents'
    inability to get along together. It lets kids know that although one parent chooses to move away from the
    home, both parents continue to love their little boy or girl. Both Mom and Dad will continue to spend happy
    times with them.
• You Go First by Erin Entrada Kelly
  • During the course of one week, Charlotte and Ben - friends connected only by an online Scrabble game - will
    intersect in unexpected ways as they struggle to navigate the turmoil of middle school. You Go First reminds
    us that no matter how hard it is to keep our heads above troubled water, we never struggle alone.

• Divorce and Teens: When a Family Splits Apart by Elizabeth Price
  • Offers constructive ways for teens to deal with their parents' divorce, stresses that children are not the cause, and offers quotes from young people who have dealt with these issues themselves.
• For Better, For Worse: A Guide to Surviving Divorce for Preteens and Their Families by Janet Bode
  • Provides readers with a helpful guide to coping with the sudden separation of the family and the reality of divorce through first-hand narratives by kids who have experienced it.
• I Want Answers and a Parachute by P.J. Petersen
  • As Matt and Jason fly to San Francisco to see their father and his new wife, Matt warns his inquisitive younger brother not to ask too many questions or else Dad will be sorry they came.
• Help!: A Girl's Guide to Divorce and Stepfamilies by Nancy Holyoke
  • Answers letters from girls dealing with various aspects of divorce, remarriage, and stepfamilies. Includes tips, quizzes, and advice.
• A Solitary Blue by Cynthia Voight
  • Jeff learns a lesson about love and emerges from a solitary depression when he realizes that he can be alone and not be lonely. By the author of Homecoming and Dicey's Song.
• Strider by Beverly Cleary
  • Can a stray dog change the life of a teenage boy? It looks as if Strider can. He's a dog that loves to run; because of Strider, Leigh Botts finds himself running—well enough to join the school track team. Strider changes Leigh on the inside, too, as he finally begins to accept his parents' divorce and gets to know a redheaded girl he's been admiring. With Strider's help, Leigh finds that the future he once hated to be asked about now holds something he never expected: hope.
• Surviving Divorce, Teens Talk by Trudi Strain Trueit
  • Presents facts about divorce, advice for children of divorced parents, and stories from teens that have been through the experience.
• Teens and Divorce by Gail Stewart
  • The skyrocketing rate of divorce often affects teenage children more than parents realize. Many struggle with anger, grief, and guilt - at the same time worrying about changes in where and with whom they will live.
• The Bright Side, Surviving Your Parents’ Divorce by Max Sindell
  • I wrote this to be a practical book that deals with the everyday situations of divorce, and The Bright Side is full of useful information, like tips on traveling through airports alone, managing your schedule between two houses, or how to tell your parents that you won't take sides. Most important is The Divorced Kids' Bill of Rights, seven inalienable rights that kids have and need to know. 
• The Moonlight Man by Paula Fox
  • After her boarding school term ends, fifteen-year-old Catherine Ames, despite attempts to put some balance into her wacky life, spends a distressing summer in Nova Scotia with her charming but alcoholic father and his local drinking cronies.
• What Can I Do? A Book for Children of Divorce by Danielle Lowry
  • When Rosie's parents decide to divorce, she tries being her happiest self, giving them her money, cleaning
    the house, making better grades—anything to keep them together. But none of her plans work. Rosie ends up feeling sad, frustrated, confused, and angry. What can she do? With some help, she realizes that she
    can't fix the divorce but she can do things that help her feel better.
• When Parents Separate by Pete Sanders & Steve Myers
  • Explored from a personal as well as social perspective, investigating the reasons why social problems
    develop and ways of dealing with situations that may arise.
• When Your Parents Split Up: How to Keep Yourself Together by Alys Swan-Jackson
  • An upbeat, straightforward guide for teenagers with recently divorced parents by two divorce mediation
    and youth psychology experts offers advice on how to cope with the separation, anxiety, loneliness, and
    change of lifestyle.
• When Your Parents Divorce: A Handbook for Children Whose Parents Are Divorcing by Betty Clark
  • This book is designed to help young adolescents cope with the reality of their parents divorcing. It speaks
    directly to young adolescents and attempts to answer questions that concern their worst fears and anxieties
    about what a divorce will mean for them. It provides strategies to help them resolve or handle the
    confusion, hurt, and conflict they are facing.

New relationships can be challenging for children of any age to process and manage. They will take cues from you about how to react to the other parent’s new relationship.

If you begin  a new romantic relationship, remember:

•  Your children may need  to give up their fantasy of your original family getting back together again.
• Your children may feel anxious because they believe they will have to share their parent’s time with another person.
• A new relationship may undermine the security they are beginning to develop after their parents’ separation.
• Children may experience conflicting loyalties about the new relationship. If they allow themselves to like their parent’s “new friend,” they may feel as though they are betraying the other parent.

If your child tells you the other parent is in a new relationship, it is perfectly appropriate to listen and respond to their thoughts and feelings. Try to maintain a neutral tone and attitude.  It may be  effective to respond with open-ended questions such as, “Do you want to talk about that?”

It’s not healthy, however, to put your child in the position of keeping you informed of the details of your co-parent’s life. If you find yourself responding to your child in ways that serve your own emotional needs,  you risk clouding their feelings about the other parent’s new relationship. Remember that this new person could be in your child’s life for years to come.

Your children need your help adjusting to their parents' new romantic relationships. Here are some tips:

1. Give serious consideration to your own emotional needs and those of your children before beginning a new relationship.
2. Tell the children about any new relationship without the new partner present.  Encourage your children to express themselves freely and honestly and accept their feelings without criticism.
3. Make sure that you continue to prioritize time with your children as you begin a new relationship. 
4. Respect your children’s emotional and physical boundaries. Allow them time to warm up and accept your new friend. 

By taking a new relationship slowly and allowing your children to get to know the other person and adjust to the situation, you are laying the foundation of a potentially supportive and healthy connection for your child. 

Coping with abandonment

Sometimes it is not possible for both parents to be involved in a child's life. When children do not have contact with one of their parents, assure them that none of their thoughts, words, or actions caused their parent to leave. 

Abandonment can happen in different ways. Here are three ways it can occur.

Complete, sudden abandonment

When there is complete, sudden abandonment:

• The children have no relationship with one parent. The children may never have known the other parent or there was a relationship in the past but the parent completely and suddenly left the children’s lives.
• The parent who left is practicing the most direct form of abandonment by walking away and refusing or ignoring attempts to have contact with the children.

Sporadic abandonment

When there is sporadic abandonment:

• The children have an inconsistent relationship with one parent.
• The parent who left may send an occasional card or gift, phone periodically, or drop by to visit every year or so. Yet, this kind of parent is mostly absent.

Gradual abandonment over time

If abandonment occurs gradually, over time:

• The children experience a gradual loss of a once-close relationship with one parent.
• The parent who left tries to maintain relationships with his or her children immediately after the divorce. They then reduce contact over time and eventually let the relationships die. This may happen with a parent who moves away or remarries.

Should I tell my child abandonment is wrong?

Addressing the loss your children feel when the other parent is no longer in their lives requires care. Despite your own feelings, it’s important to avoid telling your children that the other parent’s leaving was a mistake. If your child asks you if the other parent was wrong to leave, you might say that everyone makes mistakes at times and this “might be” one of those times. However, withhold your own judgment on the matter. Focus on helping your children deal with any feelings of rejection or guilt they might have.

Take time to think through how you will handle the issue of abandonment with your children. Helping your children requires acknowledging, validating, and accepting how they feel about the loss of their other parent. Avoid talking negatively about the other parent and find ways to help your children remember the good things about their other parent. If you feel that you and/or your children need outside help, find a professional.

What to say to your children about abandonment

Consider your child’s age when discussing abandonment. Here are suggested scripts for different ages:

• Children under 10: “I know you’re sad when you can’t see them. Sometimes adults make choices because they are not happy, and then that hurts other people.”
• Children 10 and older: “I can't fully understand how you feel, but I see that you are sad sometimes and angry at other times. I am always here to talk, no matter how you are feeling.”

Sometimes children blame themselves for a parent leaving and not contacting them. It's important that you assure your children that they are not to blame. Try saying something like: “You need to know that nothing you have done, or said, or thought, made them leave. Their problems make it hard for them to be a parent right now.”

It's also important to assure your children that they can always depend on you—and that you won’t leave. Say something like: “Sometimes I get sad or angry about everything that’s happened, too, but you need to know that no matter how I feel, I will always be here. We are a family and there are many people who love us.”

Going forward

Like other issues in your children’s lives, abandonment is not going to be resolved in one discussion. Be available to your children by listening and checking in with them often. Let them know that it’s safe for them to show and discuss their feelings. Watch for signs that they are feeling guilty or taking responsibility for the other parent’s choices.

As your children’s remaining parent, you can give them everything they need to become healthy and productive adults. This includes openly discussing difficult issues with your children — even if they do not bring them up. They need continuous reassurance to grow into healthy adults.

If you have children who are living between two households, there are things for you to consider to help make the transition smoother. For instance, understanding their temperament and how they deal with change impacts how you as a parent should react and respond during transition times. Which of these three types fits your children’s personalities?

• Is your child an easy child, one who responds well to change?
• Is your child one who resists change and lets you know it?
• Is your child slow to warm up, one who needs more time to get used to new situations?

Your children may show anxiety before going to the other parent's home. Realize their anxiety is probably due to a new routine. Keeping your children's temperament in mind, look at these tips for helping your children transition to the new routine:

• Help them pack. Let them decide on a few familiar things that will make them feel comfortable in either home.
• Explain how long they will be with the other parent.
• Reassure your children. Let them know that both parents love them.
• Tell them you will never leave them.
• Talk positively about the time they’ll spend with the other parent. This will help them see the importance of being with both parents and know it's okay to go.
• Pick up your children during a natural transition time in their day. Before or after an activity is a time they are used to switching gears.
• Pick up your children without starting an argument with the other parent. If you can't, find a place such as a school or daycare where you won’t have to interact with the other parent.
• Use a calendar. It helps show when they are in different households.
• Don't make your children messengers.
• When you ask about their time in the other home, don't try to get information about the other parent.

Even though you may have negative feelings about your child’s other parent, keep the focus on your children. For example, when asking about time spent with the other parent, concentrate on them. Save your feelings for times when you can appropriately share them such as with a therapist, trusted friend or family member, or through private journaling. 

In the United States, over 2.7 million grandparents are responsible for the day-to-day care of approximately 7 million grandchildren according to the latest numbers from the U.S. Census Bureau. Grandparents and other family members raising children can face issues not encountered by younger parents.

Parenting as a grandparent

For some grandparents, caring for their grandchildren means putting aside dreams of relaxation and freedom from work. Others may feel isolated from friends who no longer have children at home. They may feel guilt or resentment toward their children. Grandparents raising grandchildren frequently face significant financial burdens.

Challenges for children

The children also may have to deal with problems. Some may have emotional problems as a result of their separation from their parents. Some children’s parents drift in and out of their lives, causing confusion and disruption. Some children may be teased by their peers because they are being cared for by older adults.

Some fall behind academically because they’ve missed school. These children may have a hard time concentrating because they constantly worry about their parents. They also worry that they will be abandoned again, this time by their grandparents or other caregivers.

Tips and tools for coping

We can’t eliminate the reality that many grandparents raise their grandchildren, but we can find possible solutions to many of the problems they may encounter. These sites provide information for grandparents and relatives who are raising young children.

• Minnesota Family Investment Program (MFIP) — The Minnesota Family Investment Program (MFIP) helps families with children meet their basic needs. Caregivers who are relatives are eligible to receive MFIP child-only payments on behalf of the child.
• Financial capability — Make wise decisions about money and other resources.
• Coping with abandonment — Children do best when they have a relationship with both parents, but sometimes this is not possible. Here are some tips for talking to your child/grandchild about abandonment.
• Strengthening your support network — Having a strong system of support can help parents and caregivers recover from a family transition and embrace the new reality. Assess your support system network and get tips for developing new support systems.
• Relative caregiver warmline — Lutheran Social Services of Minnesota. Phone and email service that offers help with raising relatives’ children.

Raising grandchildren is an extraordinary task. You are not alone, and help is available.

Sources

Booth, C. (2002). First steps: Getting started raising relatives’ children. St. Paul, MN: Minnesota Kinship Caregivers Association.

Ellis, R. R., & Simmons, T. (2014). Coresident grandparents and their grandchildren: 2012 (Report No. P20-576).Washington, D.C.: U.S. Census Bureau.

Are you in a new relationship or newly married? Transition in the formation of a new family creates a unique challenge. New families will be facing big questions about how to merge traditions from each of their families as well as create new ones of their own. Here are two things to consider.

Communication

When creating new traditions, couples should be clear with each other about their expectations and what they value. Talking with all family members is important so that everyone knows that traditions with both sides of the family are a priority.

It’s also important to communicate clearly with your children.  Once all the adults come to an understanding, bring the kids into the conversation. Adjust  the conversation to their stage of development, letting them know:

• Details such as when and where the tradition takes place and who will be participating.
• Some traditions may feel familiar while others may feel brand new.

After you have provided information, don’t forget to ask your children whether they have questions or want to talk further about your plans.

If you are a single parent and plan to create your own traditions, use this time to talk to your children about where your family traditions came from. Your children may offer some ideas of their own as to which traditions should be continued and which could be established moving forward.

Flexibility

Coparents should expect some conflict as you negotiate new family traditions. It’s likely that neither of you will be able to celebrate them exactly as you imagined. Above all, consider your children’s needs in these conversations. The chances are better that you will achieve many of your hopes if you and your co-parent strive for flexibility and understanding. Taking this approach allows for more opportunities to create new family traditions.

Eventually, you may decide that it is important for your newly formed family to have your own traditions. Open communication with your extended families is important if you are changing your involvement in long-established traditions. 

Practicing healthy communication and flexibility is the first step to putting your family on the path to new anticipated traditions.

Sources

• The Step and Blended Families Institute (2015). Preparing step families/blended families for the holidays

• Coleman, M., Ganong, L. H., Warzinik, K. (2007). Family Life in 20th Century America. Westport, CT: Greenwood Publishing Group.

How do children who travel between two homes face holidays? These times may provoke intense, emotional responses. As a parent, you play a role in how your children experience holidays and other special days. Below are some practices parents can use to support their children.

Making holiday plans

Co-parents need to decide the location where each child will spend their time well in advance of the occasion. You may want to have your children be part of all family festivities, but if it means an unrealistic amount of travel and excitement, you may want to re-think this plan. If reasonable,  have older children help decide how they spend their holiday time.

When preparing for the holidays, think about the most significant aspects for you, your co-parent, and your children, and plan accordingly. Some families alternate holidays, or have the children spend the "eve" in one home and the "day" in another. The first year may feel awkward or painful, but over time it will become the natural way of sharing the holiday time. 

Here are some guidelines for these occasions:

• Examine your family traditions. This may be a good time to start new traditions or alter ones that are no longer working for your new family.
• Allow children’s discussion of memories of past holidays when you and the other parent were together. Invite children to talk about how they feel. You may not be able to "fix" things, but you may gain an understanding of their feelings.
• Remember that there is more than a "day" in "holiday." Often, most occasions are little seasons unto themselves with celebratory events held over many days. Allow your children to observe different facets of the holiday over more than one day.
• If you have more than one child, consider occasionally having children spend one-on-one time with parents. Some children enjoy special alone time with their parents.
• If you and the other parent have remained single, consider bringing the “original” family together for the holidays. If you and your children’s other parent are getting along well, children enjoy having everyone together on some special occasions.
• Spend enough time with your children so they feel like a priority and know you want to be with them on holidays and special occasions.
• Don't let competition between parents become an undue burden for the kids. Trying to outdo each other results in overindulged children and parents who are angry with each other.

If gifts are a part of your holiday, you may want to consider talking with your kids about gifts they can give to others. Here are some examples:

• Personalized coupons for a fun activity together.
• Having your child come up with a new tradition for a special occasion.
• Breakfast in bed or a meal together.

Remember, it’s important to teach children that giving is not about the monetary value of the gift, but the thought and sentiment behind it. One example is if your child is going to a celebration with friends or family they are not familiar with, you may want to help them make a dessert or a side dish to share and help ease the unknown situation.

Family transitions bring many changes that stand out during this time. At first, it may feel like things will never be normal again. However, with time and attention, you and your family can create new rituals and routines that will feel good for everyone.

Sources

• Cohen, G. J. (2002) Helping children and families deal with divorce and separation. Pediatrics, 110(5), 1019–1023.

• Lansky, V. (2009). Vicki Lansky’s divorce book for parents: Helping your children cope with divorce and its aftermath. Minnetonka, MN: Book Peddlers.

After a family transition, you or your children’s other parent may eventually form new romantic relationships. While another adult in the family may strengthen your family’s support network, it’s important to note that it takes time and effort to get to this place. Remember that all families are unique. It’s important to approach this situation with an open perspective.

Knowing the issues that stepfamilies commonly face will help you better prepare. This may be a good time to revisit or learn new approaches to parenting,  especially if you or your partner have limited experience with being a parent. 

Creating a blended family is a process that goes through many stages. It is unrealistic to expect that a new marriage or committed partnership will go smoothly or that everyone involved will be happy right from the start. To keep your expectations in check, it’s important to set some basic guidelines. 

Guidelines for stepparents

• Your children had little choice in the original family transition and the new blended family. As the changes accumulate, it’s natural for them to have a range of emotions about the situation.
• Each family member brings their unique experience to this blended family. By listening to each other and validating one another’s feelings, you’re laying the foundation for healthy relationships.
• Within your home, designate a spot that each child may claim as their own.  As they experience change, this consistency may help them feel a sense of control.
• Don’t try to fit a preconceived “stepparent” role. Be your authentic self with the kids. 
• When it comes to discipline, keep rules simple and few. Follow the lead of the child’s parent.
• It’s normal for children to miss their biological parent. Give them space to express their feelings.
• Expect ambivalence. While ambivalence is normal in all relationships, it may be heightened in the stepparent-stepchild relationship because of the child’s concern about disloyalty toward the biological parent.
• It takes time for emotional bonds to form. Even if they never form, you can still have a respectful relationship with your stepchildren.

Sources

• Cartwright, C. (2010). An exploratory investigation of parenting practices in stepfamilies. New Zealand Journal of Psychology, 39(1), 57-64.

• Hetherington, E. M. (Ed.). (2014). Coping with divorce, single parenting, and remarriage: A risk and resiliency perspective. Psychology Press.

At some point after separating, you may consider reconciling and re-uniting your households. The decision to reconcile is an important one that will have lasting effects on both you and your children. To help decide whether this is the right choice for you, ask yourself the following questions:

• Despite all the hurt and pain, do you still love them?
• Are you willing to work on a new relationship?
• Are you willing to examine how you communicate and change any destructive communication styles you are using?
• Are you willing to let go of your anger and forgive?
• Are you willing to make your relationship a priority and work hard at solving problems?
• What positive factors remain in your relationship? Does the good outweigh the bad?
• Do you have the support of others to make the relationship work?
• Are you willing to seek couples counseling, if necessary?

What about your children?

Children often wish their parents would get together again. They want both parents under one roof, but they also want peace and harmony in their home so they can go about the business of being a child and growing up.

Consistency is essential to your children’s well-being. The acts of separating, coming back together, and separating yet again carry an enormous price for children. If you are considering reconciliation, it’s better for your children to keep your households separate while you and your former partner work out your issues. 

Living together again

To help you decide to reconcile and live together again, consider the following:

• The breakdown of the relationship so you both know what went wrong and can avoid these mistakes in the future.
• The changes you and the other parent need to make in behaviors and communication styles
• The need for forgiveness on both sides.
• How strongly you believe reconciliation will work and are committed to making it work.
• Consult a professional couple’s counselor before you start living together again and afterward, as needed.

A divorce decree doesn’t change the contracts you made together as spouses to pay your bills. When you divorce, each of you remains liable for your debts.

By law, a creditor cannot close a joint account because of a change in marital status but can do so at the request of either spouse. A creditor, however, does not have to change joint accounts to individual accounts. The creditor can require you to reapply for credit on an individual basis and then, based on your new application, extend or deny you credit. In the case of a mortgage or home equity loan, a lender is likely to require refinancing to remove a spouse from the obligation.

If your spouse agrees to pay off a joint debt, make sure this agreement gets included in the written divorce settlement. If your ex-spouse is ordered by the court to pay a debt but doesn’t pay it, the creditor may force you to pay it. If that happens, you can ask the court to order your ex-spouse to pay you back. The court can also find your ex-spouse in contempt for violating the court’s order.

You can prevent credit obligations from making divorce even more difficult and re-establish your own distinct credit lines after divorce occurs. Consider the following:

• Get credit reports of both you and your spouse when starting the divorce process to verify the extent of credit obligations. (Get information on obtaining free credit reports or call 1-877-322-8228.)
• During divorce negotiations, keep your joint bills current, even if it means paying for your spouse.
• Be sure there is a detailed accounting of all account numbers, debt amounts, and the person responsible for credit card and debt in the divorce decree.
• Don’t leave the marriage with open credit lines. If you both applied for that line, each of you remains liable, even for debts contracted after you divorce. To stop any liability for future debts, close accounts. To close an account, call the bank, follow up with a letter, and keep a copy of the letter. When you cancel a card, the lender can hold you liable for any debt on it already.

Upon your divorce settlement, you and your ex-spouse might consider obtaining individual consolidation loans to cover your share of the joint bills. Pay off the joint bills with your individual loans and close all joint accounts. This helps ensure you’ll be responsible only for those bills you agreed to pay. It also will help you establish or reestablish credit in your own name.

Get copies of your credit reports from the reporting agencies after your divorce. Get all three reports through AnnualCreditReport.com or by calling 1-877-322-8228. For more help on divorce and credit issues, consult with your attorney.

Looking for ways to control your anger? Here are some dos and don'ts for managing anger toward your child's other parent.

Do

Take time to think about the problem and clarify your position. Before you speak up, ask yourself:

• What is it about the situation that makes me angry?
• What is the real issue here?
• Where do I stand? (What do I want to accomplish?)
• Who is responsible for what?
• What, specifically, do I want to change?
• What things will I do (and not do) in order to help bring about the change?

Speak up when an issue is important to you. You don’t have to personally address every injustice and irritation that comes along in your dealings with the other parent. But it is a mistake to stay silent if the cost is feeling bitter, resentful, or seriously unhappy. You devalue yourself when you don’t take a stand on issues that matter to you.

Use statements that reflect your own experience. Avoid statements that criticize, blame, or hold the other person responsible for your feelings or reactions. 

Learn to be assertive, not aggressive, when solving problems. An assertive person establishes a pattern of respect that encourages future dealings; an aggressive person establishes a pattern of fear that encourages the avoidance of future dealings. 

Appreciate the fact that people are different. Recognize that there are as many ways of seeing the world as there are people in it. Different perspectives and ways of reacting do not necessarily mean that one person is “right” and the other “wrong.”

Don’t

React. Instead, take a moment and respond. If your temper starts rising in the middle of a conversation with the other parent, you can always say something like, "I need a little time to sort my thoughts out. Let’s set up another time to talk about it more." 

Use unacceptable tactics such as blaming, interrogating, or lecturing. Likewise, don't voice interpretations, diagnoses or analyses of the other person's actions. You should especially avoid belittling the other parent in front of your children.

Make vague requests. It's not helpful to say something like: “I want you to be more sensitive to the children.” Be specific about what you've observed and what you would like to change. 

Expect the other parent to anticipate your needs or do things you have not expressed out loud. Even people you are close to can’t read your mind.

Spin your wheels trying to convince others of the "rightness" of your perspective. If the other parent  is not hearing you, simply say something like, "I understand that you disagree. We just see it differently."

Tell the other parent what they are thinking or feeling. Everyone has a right to their own opinion.

Speak through your children. State your message directly to the other parent.

Expect change to come quickly. Practice defusing your anger in conversations and you may see an improvement in your relationship over time.

Get discouraged if you sometimes fail to control your anger when communicating with the other parent. Getting derailed is part of the process, so be patient with yourself. You will have many opportunities to get back on track and try again.

Sources

• American Psychological Association. (n.d.) Controlling anger before it controls you.

• Shrand, J., & Devine, L. (2013). Outsmarting anger: 7 strategies for defusing our most dangerous emotion. San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass, a Wiley imprint

In the context of divorce or separation, forgiveness is the process of letting go of the anger and resentment one ex-spouse feels toward the other. Forgiveness also involves ending the hostile responses that may have become a habit between divorced parents.

Try forgiveness and you'll feel better

Forgiveness is not something you do for your children's other parent. Rather, you need to forgive the other parent for your own and your children's benefit, in order to move on to a healthier future.

Research by experts Alex Harris and Carl Thoresen (2005) shows that forgiveness can improve both mental and physical health. For divorced parents, forgiveness also contributes to a better co-parenting relationship by enabling ex-spouses to see each other as human beings with both flaws and virtues and not “evil” robots without feelings that don't deserve respect.

Think about a situation where you have forgiven someone. You probably felt like a tremendous burden was lifted from your shoulders. If you have experienced this feeling, you already know how forgiveness can improve your emotional and physical health.

Moving toward forgiveness

Forgiving someone who has hurt you is usually not easy, and forgiving an ex-spouse or partner is especially difficult. Forgiveness requires changes in thinking, feeling, and acting. That's a tall order, but it can be done. By taking the following steps, you can move toward forgiving someone.

See the value of forgiveness in forging a new life. Forgiving your ex-spouse (or anyone) does not require you to condone or accept his or her hurtful behavior. Nor does it need you to feel love or try to reconcile with your ex-spouse. However, it does require you to stop feeling anger toward and relinquish bitterness and resentment about, him or her so you can move on with life and set the stage for a workable co-parenting relationship. Again, forgiveness is something you do for yourself and your children.

Understand what forgiveness means. When someone hurts us, we often refuse to forgive because we think that by doing so we are excusing what that person has done. But that's not the case. As noted, forgiveness does not require condoning or accepting a person's hurtful behavior. But we must let go of hate and anger before we can move on with our lives.

See forgiveness as a process that will take time. Forgiving someone requires changes in your thoughts, feelings, and actions. This won't happen in one attempt! Forgiveness is a process that takes perseverance and patience. Things will get easier over time if you make a sincere effort to forgive.

Forgiveness after divorce or separation involves reaching an understanding of why the marriage ended and recognizing the humanity of yourself and the other parent. This requires a conscious effort to change attitudes about the other parent and the complexities of human behavior.

Instead of holding a simplistic view of the other parent as evil or hateful, you need to view him or her as a complex human being with faults, as well as virtues. It's hard to understand sometimes, but people usually do things because they believe it makes the most sense or is their only choice at the time.

An exercise to help you forgive

Grab a pencil and paper and write down your thoughts as you go through the following exercise.

Think back to a situation where you forgave someone and reflect on:

• How did your thoughts change as you sought to forgive that person?
• How did your feelings change as you sought to forgive that person?
• How did your actions change as you sought to forgive that person?

Now think about how you might change your thoughts, feelings, and actions to forgive your ex-spouse or partner. Write down those thoughts and a few ideas for making those changes real. One idea might be as simple as “I will count to 10 before I start arguing with my ex-spouse [or partner] over something about the kids.” That's a way to start changing your actions and developing new habits.

What about reconciliation?

As noted, forgiving an ex-spouse does not require reconciling with him or her. However, as your co-parenting relationship with your ex-spouse or partner improves, you might start to wonder if you should revive your relationship.

Before taking steps to reconcile, consider whether you and your children could handle the failure of such an attempt.

Sources

• Harris, A. H. S., & Thoresen, C. E. (2005). Forgiveness, unforgiveness, health, and disease. In E. L. Worthington Jr. (Ed.), Handbook of forgiveness (pp. 321-334). New York: Routledge.
• Enright, R. D. (2012). The forgiving life: A pathway to overcoming resentment and creating a legacy of love. Washington, DC: American Psychological Association.
• Mayo Clinic. (2014). Forgiveness: Letting go of grudges and bitterness.

Overindulgence is giving so much of anything that looks good to children that it interferes with children learning what they need to be learning at their ages.

What research says about overindulgence — Adults participating in the Overindulgence Research Project reported experiencing all three forms of overindulgence as children.

Overindulgence: The test of four — The Test of Four tool helps parents and children learn about what is enough. It guides adults and children towards personal responsibility, and self-control; it encourages clear thinking and good decision making.

The picky spender

The picky eater

The picky dresser