How age affects children's adjustment to stepfamilies

A developmental task for preschoolers is understanding the finality of some life situations. Children this age struggle to understand, for instance, the permanence of death and will ask questions about when the deceased may return. The finality of a family change is also something that preschoolers take a while to process. During this time, they continue to believe it is possible for their original family to return.  In order to understand the change, they often repeat the same questions until they are able to comprehend the permanence of the situation, which may take days or even weeks.  

Preschoolers are also egocentric which means that they view everything that happens as it relates to them. Consequently, they may frequently believe that they are the cause of changes in their family. They may think something like, “Daddy (or mommy) left because I didn't put my toys away."

Ways to help them adjust

As a parent, you can help preschoolers adjust to a new family in three important ways:

• Being sensitive to their feelings.
• Listening to them.
• Responding patiently to all their questions.
• Frequently reassuring them of your love and continued presence in their lives.

Preschoolers handle dividing their time between two households relatively easily. But their thoughts and feelings don't go away easily. And they may still fear abandonment by one parent following a remarriage. This makes it even more important to reassure your children of your love often. And repeat other things often to help very young children accept what’s happening.

Stepparents

You also need to assure preschoolers that it’s okay to love the stepparent. Tell them this doesn’t cancel their love for you or their other parent. But, understand that love for a stepparent won’t happen immediately.

Again, assure preschoolers that it’s possible to love both parents and stepparents. Do not make preschoolers (or any child) choose between parents or families! This can delay, or even seriously damage, children’s emotional development.

Like preschoolers, elementary school-age children may feel guilty over a divorce. This feeling might manifest itself in poor school performance or lack of interest in activities outside school.

Children of this age often feel as if everything is out of control, so try to give them more say in their personal lives. For example, let them choose their own clothes and hairstyles and let them decorate their rooms. (But don’t forget to enforce standards. They still need to keep their rooms neat and follow school dress codes about clothes and hair.)

Elementary school-age children may think their parents will get back together. Remarriage ends that illusion. This may restart the grieving process for them and cause them to neglect school or chores (and appear disorganized or lazy). If you see these signs, give children ample opportunity to talk about feelings. Let them know you understand their sense of loss.

Adolescence is the time when children begin to pull away from their families and start to test their independence. This is also when the potential for conflict increases in stepfamilies. Adolescence is a period of grievances. Divorce and remarriage tend to increase those feelings, says psychologist Carl Pickhardt.

Stepfamilies

Preteens in stepfamilies often focus resentment of adult authority on the stepparent. Pickhardt also notes that the stepparent is “an easy target for blame, since in this relationship there is no history of love—so there’s no love to lose.”

So what should the adults in a stepfamily do to smooth the family transition for preteens? Above all, remember that preteens still need to know that the family will support them when they need it.

Part of a parent and stepparent’s job at this stage is to help children think through what might happen if they take various actions.

Decision making

Don’t make decisions for preteens, which might push them to make bad choices just to show their independence. Instead, give them “safe” options and alternatives, and then let them choose and learn from the natural consequences that follow.

If you’re a stepparent, you might be tempted to back away from interacting with preteens to avoid conflict. Pickhardt advises the opposite. “Stepparent and adolescent actually need more contact,” he says. They need to spend time together without the biological parent around, he adds. Spending exclusive time together gives the stepparent and preteen a chance to get to know each other better. This also fosters communication and companionship.

Although teens are becoming aware of their own sexuality, they often see their parents as nonsexual. As a result, teens may find a biological parent’s remarriage uncomfortable. Especially if a couple shows affection for each other in the teens’ presence.

When a parent remarries, teens may also resent giving up some of the adult responsibilities they took on while they were living with one parent. Those responsibilities might have included decision-making about family finances. Or watching over younger siblings.

When this happens, open, honest communication will help teens realize they’re still loved and valued. You can also identify which tasks teens may want to continue doing, as well as decisions they’d still like to be part of. Some teens might also welcome giving up some adult responsibilities. This will give them more time to pursue worthwhile activities of their own choice.

Some teens may want to spend more time with the non-residential parent while they adjust to a parent’s remarriage. Be flexible and let your teens have more say about the household where they want to spend their time.