Helping youth through conversation

What it is

Helping youth who are dealing with difficult situations can be challenging. Often, we as adults don’t even realize that young people are even noticing the big problems of the world. But they are. Children of all ages are very attuned to the adults in their lives and often pick up on cues to our mental and emotional state.

When we seem worried, they get worried and don’t really understand why. Also, problems or conflicts that we as adults can see as petty can seem almost catastrophic to a young person. As the adults in their lives, it's our job to support them and taking the time to listen to what the problem is and helping them work through it. Often, just taking the time to sit down and talk to them is what helps the most.

Why it matters

• Anxiety and depression are a growing mental health concern of youth at younger ages and at rates not seen in years past.
• Often, as youth observe the world around them they develop an insecure and worried response. It might show up as irritability or trouble sleeping. 
• Talking with the adults in their life is a key way for youth to deal with and understand things that are affecting them, as well as personal problems they may be facing.

How to do it

• Find an appropriate time and location. Find a time where interruptions would be less likely to happen and the youth isn’t distracted by upcoming events (not before leaving to go somewhere) or isn’t tired (at bedtime). Have the conversation in a location the youth would consider a safe space, maybe in their room or in the backyard while tossing a ball together. Car rides are often a good place as distractions can be kept to a minimum.
• Find a way to initiate the conversation. When a youth thinks that a parent or adult “needs to talk to them”, often time defenses go up. Try your best to ease into the topic.  Use “I” statements such as, “I have noticed you haven’t been feeling well” or “Has there been something on your mind lately, I have noticed you seem to be worried about something”. Just remember, the less formal it seems, the more relaxed they will be to talk.
• Remember who you are talking to. How old is the youth? Children process things differently at different ages. To make it even harder, kids the same age process and respond to things differently as well.  Some may sulk, and some may act out. Look to your past relationship with them for guidance. 
• Give them something to “take the heat off.” When in a conversation about serious topics, many people (not just youth) like to be doing an activity so that they do not feel they are the focus of everything going on. Physical activity can help calm the body (van der Kolk, 2014). Working on an art project, tossing a ball or going on a walk are just some things that may help them relax while you are talking.
• Listen to understand, not to respond. The minute youth feel you aren’t really listening to what they are saying, you lose them. By listening to them with intentionality you not only will understand the problem better, but they will see that you care and give validity to their feelings.
• If that is what they feel, it’s valid. With everyone, youth and adults, remember that if it is how they feel, then it is valid. Never belittle any statements they make about how something makes them feel. We are not them, we don’t share the same emotional makeup and life experiences.  If they say it’s scary, then it’s scary. If it’s sad, it’s sad.   
• Explain it at their level. Once you understand what they are feeling and what the problem is, it is time to help. Validate their feelings, but use facts that they understand to help them process what is going on. It is your job as an adult to help them build an understanding that might not totally take away the feelings they are having, but will make them feel more secure.
• Check in often. This is not a one and done situation. Go back and check in with the youth. Maybe it doesn’t have to be a conversation to the same depth, but make sure they are doing okay and ask if they thought of any other questions about the topic you discussed.

Tips for volunteers, staff and parents

• Sometimes it is not easy to know if a youth you are with is needing to talk; try to work on your ability to pick up on cues. How is their appetite? Are they socializing as they normally do?  Are they spending more time alone?
• Don’t be afraid to ask for help. No parent or youth worker is an expert on everything. If a topic comes up that you are unsure of, don’t be afraid to tell the youth that you will learn more about the topic and talk again later.