How to work better with teens, according to 18-year-olds

As adults, the further away from our own teenage experience we get, the easier it is to forget what that adolescent experience was like. As a result, we can get stuck into patterns of behavior that can be disrespectful of teenagers and cause them to shut down. 

So not long ago, I sat down with two recent high school graduates—just barely adults themselves—to glean some wisdom about how adults can keep their approaches to working with teenagers fresh.

Q&A with recent high school graduates Kate and Gregory

What advice do you have for adults who work with teenagers? How can adults be most effective in guiding and teaching them?

Kate: Adults think teens are being purposefully ignorant or not reaching out, out of obstinance or being purposefully rude but sometimes they forget that we’re still learning how to be an adult. Like I’ve had teachers ask me, “Why didn’t you reach out to that teacher to ask why you got a bad grade?” But I didn’t know how to do that or that I could do that…we’re still kids and sometimes we miss things that are crucial. 

Gregory: It’s cuz teenagers are dumb.

Kate: We’re not dumb. I mean we are dumb, but it’s a forgivable kind of dumb.

Gregory, how about you? What advice do you have for adults who work with teenagers?

Gregory: I think working with teenagers you need a lot of patience and also empathy, because remember when you were 18…what were you like? Were you any better? Or if you were, do you know anyone who wasn’t, and why weren’t they? If you remember being 18, and you’re like, “Well I could do that when I was 18, why can’t they?” Well think about what got you there—how did you develop that skill? 

Kate: I think it’s important to remember that teenagers are still kids. 

Gregory: Yeah, and it’s easy for adults to forget. But if you can do that constantly—just putting yourself in their shoes—you can be a lot more effective. It’s also easy for adults to forget we’re adults too. Because like with teachers, I’ve had them be surprised when I did the responsible thing, more with social stuff than the academic stuff. Adults definitely don’t trust us with social stuff.

Kate: Yeah, adults expect us to be both more mature and less mature. You expect us to act like children but you also expect us to act like adults. It can be very frustrating when adults could have turned something into a life lesson but thought well they’ll figure it out, when really we could have used the help. 

Gregory: If you can get away from expecting a kid to act a certain way…the way you expect a kid to act a certain way, that’s probably how they’re going to act. And your expectation also tends to direct your own action. So if you can do less expecting—either good or bad—and listen more, that’s better. 

That reminds me of some research on something called autonomy threat. Have you heard of it? It’s a threat to your freedom to make and act on your own choices. 

The studies show that teens are more likely to feel autonomy when they feel successful managing their lives, can make their own choices, take on responsibilities and see that what they’re doing has a purpose. Having autonomy helps them feel respected and gives them the sense that they’re moving toward adulthood. But a threat to it can cause teens to shut down.

Gregory: That makes sense, because if I see an adult expecting me to act like a child, treating me like a child, that makes me not want to talk to them anymore. 

You want to feel respected. You may not have all the skills, but what skills you do have are still worthy.

Kate: Yea, and like when you get to being a teenager, you start to refine your ability to do things. You have the fine motor skills…you’re now refining your skills. 

A lot of it is seeing how your peers react. It was helpful when teachers let us discuss…they would provide us with a topic of discussion and they’d be there to guide us, but they let us develop our own opinion through discussing an issue with our peers. And then you’d have the opportunity to have others listen as you figure out your own thoughts. 

Gregory: I think that need for autonomy is probably why that opportunity was so meaningful. We’re like a lump of clay that is slowly taking shape. Maybe it’s best to encourage kids to keep their shapelessness…not that you shouldn’t take shape but your ideas should always change about the world. 

You mean stay open to perspectives? 

Gregory: Yea…

Kate: I know a lot of my friends who are rigid shapes. One of my friends knows exactly what she wants to do [as a career] and has a solid goal. But each child needs different support. Some kids need goal-driven support. But others don’t know what they want to do and need to know they have time and space to explore. 

Give teens the perspective that their life is only just starting and that’s a good thing. It’s a hard pill to swallow. 

My dad once told me, “Kate, none of this matters.” I was like, “What do you mean none of this matters?” But he was trying to give me a sense of peace. The stress I was putting myself under [to figure out my post-graduation] wasn’t worth what it actually was. We’re not running out of time. We have time to figure it out.

What other advice can you give to adults who work with teens?

Kate: Remember that kids value the fact that you’re a human. I respect my teachers more when they take down the facade that they’re a teacher and when they can be real with me. It creates a space where I feel like I can be myself. 

Developing a relationship with my teacher, even if it’s not very personal (like about candy preference) makes them more approachable and relatable and makes you respect them more. You respect a person when they’re vulnerable because you feel you’ve been trusted with something. 

Gregory: Yea, but teachers have to deal with all kinds of teenagers, not just mature ones, so there are teens that may use those vulnerabilities to hurt someone. So some people learn to use it to their advantage. 

Kate: And at that point, I think it reflects more on the student than the teacher. And it’s easy for me to say because I’m not the one being vulnerable in a room full of judgmental teenagers. 

Remember that teenagers are jerks to protect themselves. I’m two years older than 16-year-olds. And when I walk into a room full of 16-year-olds, I feel judged and alienated. You know why? Cuz they’re all looking at me like I’m crazy because they’re afraid I'm thinking they're crazy. 

And so they would rather put up that barrier first. And who has to break that barrier? Someone has to be vulnerable to break that barrier. It's a delicate balance. It’s a hard thing to do. Teachers are not given enough credit for what they do.