Your child’s adjustment to your new romantic relationship

New relationships can be challenging for children of any age to process and manage. They will take cues from you about how to react to the other parent’s new relationship.

If you begin  a new romantic relationship, remember:

•  Your children may need  to give up their fantasy of your original family getting back together again.
• Your children may feel anxious because they believe they will have to share their parent’s time with another person.
• A new relationship may undermine the security they are beginning to develop after their parents’ separation.
• Children may experience conflicting loyalties about the new relationship. If they allow themselves to like their parent’s “new friend,” they may feel as though they are betraying the other parent.

If your child tells you the other parent is in a new relationship, it is perfectly appropriate to listen and respond to their thoughts and feelings. Try to maintain a neutral tone and attitude.  It may be  effective to respond with open-ended questions such as, “Do you want to talk about that?”

It’s not healthy, however, to put your child in the position of keeping you informed of the details of your co-parent’s life. If you find yourself responding to your child in ways that serve your own emotional needs,  you risk clouding their feelings about the other parent’s new relationship. Remember that this new person could be in your child’s life for years to come.

Your children need your help adjusting to their parents' new romantic relationships. Here are some tips:

• Give serious consideration to your own emotional needs and those of your children before beginning a new relationship.
• Tell the children about any new relationship without the new partner present.  Encourage your children to express themselves freely and honestly and accept their feelings without criticism.
• Make sure that you continue to prioritize time with your children as you begin a new relationship. 
• Respect your children’s emotional and physical boundaries. Allow them time to warm up and accept your new friend. 

By taking a new relationship slowly and allowing your children to get to know the other person and adjust to the situation, you are laying the foundation of a potentially supportive and healthy connection for your child.